Stream of Consciousness Pt. 2

I love when I get signs and affirmations. Yesterday, I tweeted this: This year has taught me a lot about grey areas and how blurry life can be...and that the blur is not always a sign of dysfunction or an issue that needs to be fixed. It’s a consequence of being human and mixing of timelines, narratives, and experiences. Being all or nothing was rooted in fear and a lack of trust in myself. I didn’t trust myself so I needed a black and white life to maintain a false sense of control. Whew. Being all or nothing was rooted in fear and a lack of trust in myself. I didn’t trust myself so I needed a black and white life to maintain a false sense of control. 

This morning, on IG, this was the first post I saw:

In Shan Boody’s video about love bombing she briefly discussed the concept of a “bonus relationship”. If you’re entertaining a love bomber then you can cut them off OR put boundaries in place to limit the interactions. The relationship can not be your exclusive source of intimacy and connection because none exists there. So you can limit interactions if you really enjoy that person to get what you want and then go. It’s all about keeping the connection in proper perspective. But it spoke to me on a deeper level. In relationships especially, I have been all or nothing. Either we’re together or we’re not. Either we’re all in or we’re nothing. But that’s such a dangerous way to exist and connect because it shows I don’t trust myself and I need to be all in or not present at all in order to know what to do because I don’t trust myself with blurred lines. I am now open to flowing and getting to know a person so I can consciously decide if they are someone I want in my life. I limit my power viewing connection as black & white and I subject myself to love bombing and extreme romanticism by connecting that way. Healthy emotional engagement and intentionally building personalized intimacy is the lifestyle. Which brings me to a moment of gratitude. I am so grateful for ____’s approach or lack thereof because I can honestly say that if he’d been all in, I would’ve been all in with him and by this point I would’ve probably been journaling about whether or not I made the right decision and why I jumped back in. His approach or lack thereof really gave me space to see and choose and calm down from the hype to take a GOOD look at what was happening and realize I have outgrown this connection and my connection with him is a continuation of me connecting out of familiarity aka trauma. So I’m really grateful I didn’t hear from him anymore yesterday. Shout out to me really being okay either way. That mantra helped and me really leaning into myself as a source has been so refreshing. Like I feel like a home.