Stream of Consciousness Pt. 1 (Inner Child)

Hi. It’s been a while. I must say, I feel like I’m tapping the mic and my voice is cracking because I have not been here and I’m not sure how I feel about being here. Since my last post, I’ve been hoarding my thoughts and dumping them in my journal. I have hundreds of pages of thoughts and epiphanies and dreams, but I have not felt compelled to share them here. I’ve always thought of anaturalbeaut.com as a safe space for me, but in my efforts to build a brand I began to see it as something I needed to dress up for. Because of that, I ran away. I pushed it away. I had no polished thoughts. I had no thesis. I had no groundbreaking work that was “ready” to be displayed here. I still don’t.

Well, I’m slowly letting that go and I’m getting back to my raw form of creating. The type that allowed me to show up naked and full of questions that we can dissect together. I’m going to do a short (maybe) series of streams of consciousness. I will be taking excerpts from my personal journal and sharing them with you. I hope you enjoy. They aren’t formatted or dressed up. These are my raw, 3 a.m. thoughts. I hope you enjoy this sporadic journey. Bring what you have…I didn’t pack much either. Peace.

Pt. 1

October 19, 2019

A question popped into my head. Why do I want a relationship? More specifically, what is the reason behind me accepting the type of companionship that has come my way instead of waiting/honoring the process for what I want. The answer was all of my past relationships were ego boosts and they were surface level. None of them really cracked my emotional depth and I think a part of me has been protecting that out of fear. Fear of true vulnerability. Fear of being betrayed, taken advantage of, manipulated...not trusting myself. Emotionally unavailable men mirror my unwillingness (not inability) to be 100% raw and vulnerable because (full circle moment) I haven’t been raw and vulnerable out of fear of being in the way, judged, being too big or labeled “complicated” or “difficult” to be with. In reality, we are all fucking complicated and difficult to some extent and I deserve to completely unfold as does everyone else. That takes fucking courage. Playing it cool and basing your actions/responses on what others do or say is what we’ve been conditioned to do to protect ourselves but there’s no bravery in that. There’s bravery in saying exactly how you feel and owning that without fear of consequence and the ultimate consequence of that is possible rejection by another flawed human being. BIG WHOOP! But the other side of that is total emotional freedom and complete trust within yourself. My spirit/inner child are depending on me to take care of them and honor them and nurture them. They are where my loyalty lies. Not social conditioning that gives these inconsistent ass traffic signals on where I can or cannot be my full authentic sensitive self. 

Wow...that felt good 

I’ve always felt like something inside of me was incredibly vulnerable and feared to be...touched or seen. I’ve always felt like I had to use my intellect to protect myself from people because my childhood-my relationship with my parents, specifically- was an emotional warfare that I couldn’t really understand. My Mom’s rage/temper, inconsistency in what was ok/wasn’t, not wanting to be bothered. My dad’s love bombing with money and surface level things, no hugs, no I love you’s, no kisses, no pet names. Just good at performing. So I feel like my emotional depth is something even I’m afraid of because I’ve never really unloaded it or had the room to fully...love in the way that comes natural to me. I really truly value intimacy