Shame

Lately, the term Shame has been bouncing around my life’s experiences...and when my therapist asks me to describe how I feel about something, Shameful has been most frequent in the pile of adjectives. Though closely related, my feeling of shame is not to be mixed with embarrassment. I’ve been unpacking it for quite some time. This feeling of shame is heavily aligned with the notion of what I’m “supposed” to be doing based on society’s timeline, or the pedestal that those who love me have placed me. And because none of my right now matches those expectations, I feel shame. 

Shame is also heavily rooted in fear. For the longest, my life has been a series of steps. I have a had a seamless plan for the past 10 years that has simply required me to follow instructions and get the work done. Now, I have no clear steps as to what to do to next. 

 As a result of this shame, I often question if I deserve this celebratory space I’m naturally moving into. I find it hard to be proud of my hard work or progress because I don’t have any of the conventional signs of success to prove my work or progress-a six-figure job, a condo, my Jeep, or an answer to the dreadful question- “What’s next?”

I find myself wondering if there is more that I should be doing. 

However, after a mini meltdown, my mom helped me to see that my life has been everything but conventional. None of my success or opportunities have come in the traditional sense. Not only that, I pride myself on being authentic and doing all things for internal happiness and peace. The fact that I have never compromised myself or my integrity to get here is more than enough to honor. 

So, as I feel this shame/fear, I’m becoming friends with it. I’m getting to know it. As, I get close to it, I’m becoming excited because when I look it in its eye, I see power; the power of doing and being everything I’ve daydreamed about, but shied away from because there was no plan or directions attached to those daydreams. 

This is the scariest part of the ride thus far. I am being pushed to dream big, dig deep, work smart, and create. This is where the rubber meets the road. Accepting this space is the start of attaining the success that is already mine. So, there is no shame in not having a smooth ride. There is no shame in not knowing. There is no shame in losing my footing. There is no shame in defying the expectations of others by following my own dreams, values, and timing. 

As you embark on new journeys and higher heights, I want you to carry this post with you. If you take nothing else from it, understand that excitement lies on the other side of fear, and power rests in the unknown because not knowing is the ultimate playground for what can be. 

Happy Creating! Let’s build❤️